Who Is Supposed to Pay for Your Wedding? (2024)

With couples more invested in the look, feel, and the never-before-seen nature of their wedding day (or wedding weekend) than ever before, planning a multi-day celebration, a night of dinner and dancing, and even a less formal ceremony or celebratory luncheon begs the question: Who foots the bill? There are the traditionalists who insist that all bills be sent to the father of the bride, but then there are the more contemporary ways to approach wedding expenses. Today, in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, personal finances, priorities, and what couples and their families are willing and able to spend is evolving on a daily basis. Transparency, honesty, level-setting, and managing expectations has never been more key in ensuring a planning process that works seamlessly for both the couple and their families alike. Here, a breakdown of all the ways to budget your wedding costs—choose your own adventure.

For the Traditionalists...

Put succinctly, tradition states that the father of the bride is responsible for paying for the wedding. How could we forget the sweetest dad in movie history, Father of the Bride's George Banks (played by Steve Martin), stressing over the finances of his beloved daughter Annie’s wedding? Grappling over how much is too much, while also wanting to give one's daughter the wedding of her dreams, is a far too relatable tale for fathers who hosted weddings in the age of Emily Post.

And this is no small feat or fee—it includes everything from the venues to the décor, transportation, attire, florals, music, food and beverage, and more. This is why the bride’s parents typically receive that well-deserved place at the top of a classically composed wedding invitation. Keep in mind that this historic method of hosting makes the parents of the bride the de-facto hosts of the event. They'll be the main point of contact for vendors, as well as have the most say on matters that concern the budget, including the guest count, guest list, and key décor and entertaining decisions. While the bride's opinions, dreams, and desires are usually (and supposed to be) paramount, it's important to have honest conversations about who makes the final call, no matter who is footing the bill. As with any business decision, most suppliers will assume that the real client is the person who signs the check. Tradition also states that the groom’s family hosts the rehearsal dinner.

The Twists on Tradition

The concept of 'tradition' has evolved over the years, and it's become commonplace to see both sets of parents, a member of the family on either side, or the couple contributing what they can, rather than feeling the pressure to spend beyond their means a la George Banks. "We've hit fast forward to the twenty-first century, where new traditions are being forged all the time," says Bryan Rafanelli, founder and chief creative officer of Rafanelli Events. "In this day and age, there is no single answer to who is paying for a couple's wedding, and it actually has made things much more personal and meaningful." Per Rafanelli's note, it's now not uncommon to see other, more distant members of the family or older generations contributing to a couple's event, be it grandparents, aunts and uncles, or godparents. Affirms Rafanelli, "Anything goes. We work with clients where both the bride and groom's families pitch in together, and clients where only one family, be the bride's or the groom's, pay for the entire wedding celebration."

It's also becoming more customary for family members or the couple to handle or contribute to one of the wedding's many experiences, rather than simply offering up a lump sum. Be it the wedding cake, the dress, or an activation like a photobooth, or a surprise performer, the responsibility of paying for all the aspects of a wedding now tends to be shared amongst different parties to alleviate the financial burden on one person, family, or the couple.

Steve Moore, co-founder and creative director of Sinclair and Moore encourages couples and families to “Be collaborative. While the parents of the bride might be expecting to foot the bill, they may be relieved to share the responsibility with contributions from the grooms side as well. Given the current struggles of the global economy, a collaborative approach might be the best way to financially achieve the wedding you have been dreaming about planning.”

Rafanelli agrees, explaining that those looking to contribute can do so in a more subtle or surprise way should they prefer. "We recently produced a stunning wedding in which the bride's parents took care of the total expense; however, the groom surprised the bride (and her family) with an out-of-this-world fireworks display at the end of the night! The really personal piece comes in when one or more aspects of the wedding are essential to the bride or the groom, like a killer DJ for the after-party, or really over-the-top, gorgeous flowers." Word to the wise: Should you be looking to surprise the couple, consult the wedding planner, or a family member key in the planning process, to ensure your surprise will be well-received, and accommodated by the timeline.

As for wording invitations when multiple parties are paying, opt for modern language like “The Families of…” or "The Parents of…” to make it clear that there is more than one host of the big day. A more collaborative approach to paying for the wedding is not only the most budget-friendly, but also makes the planning process more inclusive for all parties.

A Modern Approach...

Couples taking on the responsibility of paying for their wedding themselves is by far the most modern approach to wedding financing. In scenarios like these, couples have the final word on the size of the event, the guest list, the event's overall aesthetic, the fashion, and more. They're also able—but not required—to ask friends and family for their input on an as-needed or wanted basis.

Wedding planners insist that if you want to run the show when it comes to wedding planning—be willing to contribute. Moore explains, "If you have the ability, consider contributing your own money to pay for your wedding. I often see couples agonizing over their budget, frustrated that they weren’t given more, dreaming beyond the limitations of that budget, but still unwilling to contribute a dime of their own finances (when it is clear they can).”

Keep in mind that contributions from family members are a gift, and should be greatly appreciated but not expected. “About one third of all couples today pay for or contribute to the cost of their wedding rather than expecting it to be entirely paid for," explains David Stark, chief creative officer of David Stark Design. "Rarely do we see the wedding being split in exact thirds between the couple and both sets of parents, but when the couple has 'some skin in the game,' it shows a great sense of responsibility as well as respect for their parents’ financial situations. See any contribution that your parents make as a gift rather than a responsibility. Weddings are very expensive. It’s good to acknowledge that.”

Budget It Out

Stark advises that couples set a budget and discuss it amongst family members first. “The line of 'who pays' for the wedding has been blurred in today’s social landscape. Of course, the bride’s family has traditionally hosted the wedding ceremony and reception, while the groom’s has hosted the rehearsal dinner, but two things have evolved in present-day society that have softened that line. Not only are couples getting married later in life than they used to (the average age of brides today is closer to 30 than 21), but couples have more established careers and are financially more independent than they've ever been before. Secondly, in the legalization of same sex marriages where the traditional roles of 'bride' and 'groom' are thrown out the door, hosting roles that follow gender guidelines no longer apply."

With that in mind, structuring a budget that works for the event(s) you have in mind, and the options for each of them is key. "It’s all based on choices, and everyone has different priorities," Stark says. "Create a master budget spreadsheet from the onset that outlines all of the potential costs of the wedding. Ideally, this breakdown shows a range, from low to high, to show what the wedding could cost based on those options. This takes research; it allows for you and parents to have an honest discussion about what the costs might look like so that financial comfort can prevail for all parties."

The key, it seems is to do the one thing nobody really wants to do: talk about money. Discuss what you'd like to achieve, what people are able to contribute, and who is taking responsibility of what line items in advance so that everyone is on the journey with the same intentions. Should any member of your family be resistant to talk finances, express your willingness to research, educate yourselves, plan, and make the right financial choices together as a family. "Showing sensitivity to what is an expensive proposition goes far,” Stark advises.

"Be humble. When talking budget with both sets of parents and receiving their contributions to the wedding finances, do not share what each is willing or able to spend with the other set of parents. It simply breeds resentment and competition," Stark adds. "Let graciousness prevail; everyone is in a different financial position. It’s important to respect that and simply be appreciative of the gesture.” To keep the intentions of the event top of mind, be smart, be realistic and have a good time. Don't let the money talks cause tension, stress, or anxiety in the planning process. They're intended to understand what you can spend as a whole, and what you are able to achieve with that budget in place. This might be the first event of this scale you've hosted as a couple or a family; lots of line items, from production to florals, food, staffing, and more will likely affect your bottom line more than you expect.

With the recent COVID-19 pandemic in mind, adjust your budget accordingly if a postponement is needed. Understand that some deposits may be lost—but the work that has already been put into your wedding is not. "If you are faced with the difficult decision on whether to postpone your wedding, take a moment and remember that your friends and family will always want to celebrate you," Rafanelli says. "Postpone, don't cancel. Your special day may not happen exactly when you planned—but it will happen, and it will be amazing." Even in private conversations concerning money, it's important to remember that you're not alone. Discuss all issues with your partner and get on the same page prior to your conversations with your respective family members. If you are struggling to navigate your budget, communicate with your family about finances, or sort out your options—there's an even better solution: Hire a wedding planner.