We can do so, so much better than another chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’
Edited by Matthew SingerWritten by Andrew Frisicano, Ro Samarth & Andy Kryza
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Apologies to Patty and Mildred J. Hill, but on the list of the best birthday songs, ‘Happy Birthday to You’ is all the way down at the bottom. Sure, it’s claimed to be the most recognisable song in the English language, but it’s repetitive, the melody blows, and it doesn’t slap even a little bit. ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ isn’t much better. Way to uphold the patriarchy there, anonymous 18th-century French composer!
The good news is, we no longer have to be in thrall to these weak-ass jams on what’s supposed to be the most joyful day of the year. Over the last half-century, songwriters have been working to give us some actual bangers to commemorate our born days. From classic rock anthems to club-quaking hits, here are 30 awesome birthday songs that absolutely do not suck.
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Best birthday songs of all time, ranked
1. ‘Birthday’ by The Beatles
As if they weren't busy enough laying the groundwork for the next 60 years of pop music, the Fab Four also tossed off this bowtied b-day nugget on the White Album.
2.‘Happy Birthday’ by Stevie Wonder
Stevie penned this birthday tune for Martin Luther King Jr., as part of the campaign to get the day recognized as a national holiday. And it worked! Everybody one for once.
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3.‘In Da Club’ by 50 Cent
Truth be told, despite the famous opening line, the song is about partying like it’s your birthday, not on your literal birthday. But hey, as long as you’re of age, no one’s going to question the actual date on your ID when you order that bottle of bub.
4.‘It’s My Party’ by Leslie Gore
As Leslie reminds, it’s your birthday so do whatever you damn well please, even if it’s making the rest of the people at your party feel extremely awkward.
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5.‘Happy Birthday’ by Altered Images
This trippy '80s pop song is a perfect combo of a peppy tune, dreamy synth and catchy lyrics, making itthe band’smost successful song and a fun one for celebrating.
6.‘Birthday’ by Destiny's Child
Savetune from Beyoncé & Co.'s 1998 debut for when it’s time to slow things down, post-cake and ice cream.
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7.‘Birthday’ by Twista
The quick-tongued wordsmith breaks it down for your special day... we think. The guy raps really fast, so it’s sometimes hard to tell.
8.‘Happy Birthday’ by ‘Weird’ Al Yankovic
Nothing says ‘Happy birthday’ like a rambunctious polka about the end of the world from the guy who brought us ‘Christmas at Ground Zero.’
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9.‘Happy Birthday (Merry Christmas and Happy New Year)’ by Loretta Lynn
Loretta wishes a happy birthday (and a fond farewell) to her ex beau. Efficient!
10.‘Birthday’ by Migos
Even though this banger by the Southern trap squad reveals itself to be about somebody pretending it’s their birthday, the chorus’s ‘Ay, who birthday? Put yo hand up’ is enough to place it next to ‘In Da Club’ as an anthem perfect for calling attention to yourself on your big night.
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11. ‘Older’ by They Might Be Giants
‘You’re older than you’ve ever been / and now you’re even older.’ Happy birthday! Life is a fleeting blip in the universe!
12.‘Happy Birthday’ by Sufjan Stevens
You might want to save Sufjan’s slowly-finger-picked b-day meditation for after everyone leaves the party.
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13.‘Birthday Cake’ by Rihanna
‘It’s not even my birthday,’ starts Rihanna, though we’re not entirely convinced... wait, this isn't about cake at all, is it?
14.‘Birthday’ by Katy Perry
The flirty pop queen didn't really exhaust herself overthinking the euphemisms here: ‘So let me get you in your birthday suit/It's time to bring out the big balloons.’ Wow, sounds like a great party. Will there be a bounce house as well?
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15.‘Birthday Song’ by 2 Chainz
Totally relatable, unless you want something other than a big booty for your birthday.
16.‘Birthday Song’ by Don McLean
Mr ‘American Pie’ get expectedly sentimental when it’s time to blow out the candles, gifting an unnamed celebrant this exact song and making the rest of us feel thoughtless for just showing up with a card.
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17.‘Birthday Sex’ by Jeremih
An ode to the best kind of sex, behind ‘makeup,’ ‘angry,’ ‘post-breakup’ and ‘in the supply closet at work.’
18.‘Birthday’ by Blur
You might be surprised that the guys behind ‘Song No 2’ are also responsible for this somber b-day serenade.
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19.‘Birthday Dethday’ by Dethklok
It’s the heavy metal b-day banger you've been waiting for all these years, courtesy of the Adult Swim shredders fromMetalocalypse.
20.‘Happy Birthday’ by Tiny Moving Parts
This is the emo birthday song for all the emo kids who claim they don't actuallydo birthdays, ok?
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21.‘Birthday’ by Selena Gomez
Like Selena says, even if it’s not your birthday, no one's gonna know! (This also works when you want a free piece of cake at the chain restaurant.)
22.‘B’day Song’ by Madonna
This MDNA bonus track sounds like the kind of thing an exuberant 5 year old might shout out at their party. Just proving Madge is perfectat any age.
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23.‘Happy Birthday, Johnny’ by St. Vincent
You don’t have to know anyone named Johnny to appreciate this wistful piano ballad from St. Vincent’s otherwise throbbing and synth-heavy Masseduction - just someone who’s no longer in your life, who you still think about longingly at least once a year.
24.‘Birthday Boy’ by Ween
The twisted pop duo crank up the sweet-n-sugary on this birthday tune, which gets an extra-bitter callback on the later albumChocolate & Cheese.
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25.‘Death For My Birthday’ by Say Anything
Hopefully you’re having a better birthday than Max Bemis.
26.’Happy Birthday’ by New Kids on the Block
Somewhere in the Midwest, a very excitable HR specialist is blasting this to celebrate turning 46right now,and everybody else enjoying a Tuesday dinner at Chilis is all about it.
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27.‘Birthday’ by The Sugarcubes
Before she was Björk, she was wishing you a happy birthday with this extremely Icelandic pop tune full of spiders, worms and ravens.
28.‘Birthday Song’ by Frankie Cosmos
As Frankie Cosmos, NYC songsmith Greta Kline sings masterfully about getting older and staying the same.
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29.‘Happy Birthday’ by the Ramones
It’s only a 15 second clip from The Simpsons, but it’s up there with Marilyn Monroe purring to JFK as the definitive version. If you don’t say ‘go to hell, you old bastard’ after your buddy blows out the candles, did you even grow up in the ‘90s?
30.‘Unhappy Birthday’ by The Smiths
Unsurprisingly, Morrissey isn’t super into birthdays.
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