How to Get Over Someone (2024)

relationships Updated Mar. 15, 2024

By Hannah Jackson, Katie Berohn, and the Cut

Photo: Jamie Grill/Getty Images/Tetra images RF

1.
Let yourself grieve.

It’s certainly not fun, but you should allow yourself to sit in your sadness. Le Goy encourages people to question what it is that they’re grieving. “Are you grieving that person? Are you grieving being in a relationship? Are you grieving the familiarity of it, or the dream you had for what this relationship could be?” she asks. “I think that sometimes we skip that step of actually being honest with ourselves about what we are sad about.” Without allowing ourselves to feel that grief right away, we’re just delaying the inevitable — and believe me, it’ll come out mid-song at karaoke, during a girls’ night out, or in the middle of a work meeting. Spare yourself a public ugly cry and feel what you’re feeling now.

2.
Lean on others for support.

“If you’re used to that person being the one you told the great news or the bad news, then you’re kind of susceptible to that every time something happens,” Sherman says. Think of it like muscle memory — you nailed a presentation at work, you’d immediately text your ex to celebrate; your co-worker took all the credit for said presentation, you’d immediately text your ex to complain. But that muscle is now strained and covered in Icy Hot. So strength-train another muscle. “Put your mom on speed dial, or your best friend,” Sherman suggests. “If there are certain times that you’re used to talking to that person, just start sort of connecting more with somebody else because it becomes a habit and otherwise you might call them when you’re in a vulnerable position.” And don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you need it! While Le Goy acknowledges how helpful it can be to vent to friends and family, “sometimes you actually do need to talk to a neutral person and let out all of the pain and be really honest about how much you’re hurting,” she says.

3.
Structure your days.

It’s totally okay to want to be alone with your feelings. Grieving shouldn’t be the main part of your day, though. “It’s helpful to keep busy and to structure your days in the beginning, just so that you’re not wallowing all the time,” Sherman explains. Le Goy suggests trying an activity where you don’t have to talk about your personal life. “You’re not just thinking about yourself and you’re using that time then to talk about your ex,” she says. “You’re using that time to get outside of yourself a little bit.” Make plans to take a workout class or see a movie after work with a friend, sign up for weekend classes at that cute pottery studio you’ve been meaning to check out, or even volunteer at an organization that does work you care about — something that’ll take up space in your calendar so you’re not likely to bail and stay in bed.

4.
Put extra focus on self-care.

“Take care of yourself because you’re going to be emotionally run-down,” Sherman says. Try pampering yourself with a facial, wearing your special-occasion fancy silk pajamas around the house, or not canceling your weekly therapy Zoom session. This is the guilt-free time to focus entirely on yourself and make sure your needs are being met. “Focus on your self-development and your self-esteem because sometimes that takes a hit. Whether that’s through exercise or some hobby or something you really like to do or would like to learn. So you feel like you’re becoming your best self and you feel confident again.”

5.
Do some soul-searching.

While you don’t want to rush into a new relationship to fill the void of your old one, it’s important to move on when you feel ready. You should examine what about your previous partner wasn’t working for you but also take a lens to yourself: What weren’t you comfortable with in your last relationship? What boundaries, if any, do you wish you had pushed? What made you anxious or frustrated? You could try jotting down a list of things that are nonnegotiables in your next partner — and some deal-breakers. You can even apply that logic to yourself: Write down things you love about yourself, as well as things that you may want to improve upon before you start dating again. Le Goy stresses accountability, not blame. “When you’re more aware of who you are outside of the past relationship, and you know who you want to be in the next relationship, then maybe you’re ready to move on,” she says. She underscores that there is no right timeline for moving on: “If you’re still thinking about this person all the time, then you’re probably not ready to move on.”

6.
Get excited for your future.

Your future is now entirely yours for the taking, and you don’t have to keep anyone else in mind. “It can be empowering to do a vision board of goals for what you’re going to do the next few months moving forward, because that empowers you to keep your eyes there,” says Sherman. If you can’t bring yourself to painstakingly cut and paste magazine pages to a poster board, try resetting your long-forgotten Pinterest password and browse for images that you want your real life to resemble. You can even set that board to private, so pin to your heart’s content.

7.
Set boundaries.

After a breakup, we often feel like we need to completely cut that person out of our lives. Sometimes, though, we aren’t able to have a clean break. “It’s not always so easy to just never talk to them again,” Le Goy says. She recommends setting boundaries with an ex, or even just for yourself, and sticking to them. This can be especially critical if you and an ex share children. “If you have kids, that’s teaching your kids something — to respect themselves and their feelings.”

Le Goy suggests setting a boundary around conversation. Say, for example, you still share a friend group with an ex. It’s totally okay to let your mutual friends know that you aren’t ready to talk about your ex yet. (Remember, they aren’t mind readers! You need to let people who care about you know what’s upsetting to you.) In situations where you have to interact with your ex, try having a trusted friend or two around as a social cushion. And don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answers to. Maybe just ask how their family dog is doing and leave it at that.

If you continue to talk to the person or hook up with them, it will just be that much harder to get over them in the long run, particularly if you’re secretly hoping for a change of heart. “If you’re sitting around for six months hoping the person is going to change their mind and come back, that probably isn’t going to happen and it’s not healthy because it’s not being present,” Sherman says. “It’s not dealing with the reality of what is.”

Setting boundaries on social media can also be helpful. In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, you may feel inclined to delete all of your photos and unfollow your ex. But beware acting too rashly — you don’t want to permanently erase anything you might want back later. Remember, the archive and mute tools are our friends!

8.
Know your worth.

Remember: Going through a breakup has nothing to do with being undesirable or undeserving of love. It can be all too easy to overthink every little mistake in your past relationship and dwell on personal failures. But internalizing negative beliefs about yourself is damaging to the psyche and can impede future relationships. Instead, turn your focus to your best qualities. “Write down 25 things that make you a great catch,” Sherman suggests. “You can read that over before you start dating again.”

9.
Be cautious of rebounds.

Of course, there is no hard-and-fast rule about rebounds, but be wary, both for yourself and your rebound. “You can hurt the other person, but also maybe your mind-set is not ready to deal with more emotions when you’re already upset,” Sherman says. “For some people — if they can handle it, and it’s something they’re conscious of — it can help them get back out there without getting too intense.”

10.
Explore your sexuality.

Perhaps you’ve spent years getting to know someone else’s sexual desires in the confines of a long-term relationship. Now, you’ve got all the free time in the world to apply that same effort to getting to know your own desires. “Now is such a brilliant time to really lean into masturbation and a self-love routine. In the wake of a breakup, reconnecting to yourself can help to build a sense of connectedness and inner peace,” Engle tells the Cut. “I suggest having a masturbation routine three times per week, at least. Seduce yourself, have a bath or warm shower, and light some lovely candles. Lean into the experience of discovery and pleasure. It’s very liberating.”

11.
Self-reflect.

Ironically, going through a breakup can provide a new lease on life, and you find yourself tempted to get caught up in a totally different lifestyle or community. But this is also a crucial time to turn inward and analyze what you can carry with you from your last relationship — and what you can leave in the past. “Take time to consider and reflect on your contributions to the breakup,” Engle says. “Relationships take two people to end. By owning and dissecting the things we need to work on, we can emerge more resilient and ready for the next relationship.”

Our Experts:

Dr. Paulette Sherman, psychologist and author of Facebook Dating: From First Date to Soulmate
Patrice Le Goy, Ph.D, LMFT, marriage and family therapist
Gigi Engle, certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at 3Fun

How to Get Over Someone (2024)

1. Let yourself grieve.

2. Lean on others for support.

3. Structure your days.

4. Put extra focus on self-care.

5. Do some soul-searching.

6. Get excited for your future.

7. Set boundaries.

8. Know your worth.

9. Be cautious of rebounds.

10. Explore your sexuality.

11. Self-reflect.