Q:
My husband is a cross-dresser, which I knew when we were engaged, 20 years ago.
One day I was painting my fingernails and for kicks I painted his nails too. He liked it, so I continued to paint them for him.
Next came the makeup, then the panty hose and, after we were married, the full-scale dressing-up, but only at home.
I really never had a problem with this as we wore the same size clothes and I could always justify any purchases by pretending that I was buying them for him. We also had an agreement that if he was going to dress like a woman, then he could do all the household chores while he was dressed up.
Now that our four children are teen-agers, however, he can't dress up as often, but when he does it he goes to extremes. He has a full collection of wigs and shoes; he shaves his legs and underarms and has thinned his eyebrows somewhat. He completely changes himself and you would not know he is a man. He becomes a perfect model of femininity but when he's not dressed up, he is as manly as any man.
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Since he can't dress up much at home, he wants to go off alone for occasional weekends or short trips and to spend the time dressed up.
Should I allow this? Is it lawful? Could he become a cross-dresser permanently? What should I do? He is such a great husband and father. I hate to see him give up something he enjoys so much. A:
The fabric of your marriage may be unusual, but you and your husband have woven it thoughtfully and well.
You've given him the right to fulfill his needs and you've exercised your own rights too. A bigger wardrobe and a clean house is obviously a fair compromise for both of you.
But that doesn't mean that your husband must have little flings without you. Solo trips can lead to unfortunate adventures, whether the tripper is wearing a three-piece suit or a sexy co*cktail dress.
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You can't forbid cross-dressing completely, however, because it just won't work. Your husband would still wear women's clothes, but he would do it on the sly and that would only hurt your relationship.
Psychiatrist George Brown, an expert on transvestism, says that it's almost impossible for a cross-dresser to give up the practice, no matter how many times he tries or how much therapy he gets. He can control the time and the place he cross-dresses, but he can't control the compulsion.
The behavior probably isn't inherited or nurtured, Brown says, but it may be triggered in the womb -- perhaps when the fetal and maternal hormones mix at some critical juncture -- and it affects men much more than women. He estimates that 1.5 percent to 2 percent of all men in this country have cross-dressed at some time in their lives, not counting Halloween.
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Cross-dressing is not, however, a sign of hom*osexuality. Although most professional cross-dressers are gay, most cross-dressers are heterosexuals. They usually wear women's clothes to bring out the female side of their own natures, as well as to get an erotic thrill and to modulate their anxiety. As you've undoubtedly noticed, cross-dressing can bring your husband extreme happiness and even euphoria, so it's no wonder you don't like to deny this pleasure to him.
It would be better, however, if you arranged for all the children to go away for an evening or a weekend every month or two so your husband could cross-dress at home as he always has.
If he must go away, however, go with him. Pick some big, impersonal city but be prepared to introduce him as your sister-in-law, in case you run into an old friend who thinks he looks mighty familiar.
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You don't have to worry, cross-dressing is permitted in most places, as long as the cross-dresser doesn't cross bathrooms, and he doesn't commit a crime when he's dressed up.
You probably won't worry as much if you and your husband join one of the 175 support groups for transgenders around the United States and if you go to a convention for cross-dressers. They're supposed to be very well-run, sophisticated events, with social, religious, psychological and how-to workshops as well as parties too. A convention for spouses only is coming up in Memphis in July, and there will be a big convention in Atlanta in September, where spouses and children also will be invited.
The International Foundation for Gender Education can tell you about the support groups and the conventions and recommend some good books too, including "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy J. Rudd. To order it, send $11.50 to IFGE, Box 229, Waltham, Mass. 02154-0229. For more information, call 617-894-8340.
Those who walk in your shoes will teach you what you already know: Everyone needs to be needed and to be loved, but we don't always express it the same way. Questions may be sent to P.O. Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.
